Live For Me
by MegaKitty
Summary: Lily survived Voldemort's attack but she can't live without James. Contains self harm, and suicidal thoughts


Live for me 

Lily survived Voldemort's attack but she can't live without James.

Disclaimer: Not Mine

It had been two months since Voldemort had come to their house and killed her husband. He'd tried to kill her and Harry too but Sirius and Remus had arrived in time to save them. She wished they hadn't. She wished she had died with James. Every morning she woke up and felt that empty space beside her where James used to sleep and she would wish that she had never woken up. It hurt to be awake. Remus and Sirius were trying to help. The three of them had moved into Sirius's house. They took care of Harry because it hurt her to look at her son, he looked so much like James. They tried to get her to talk. They told her that they were there for her. They didn't get it. She didn't care about anything anymore. Not her work, not her son, not anything. The only release she got from the pain she felt inside was the pain she inflicted on herself. Everyday she would go into the bathroom with her wand. It would have drawn too much suspicion if she'd disappeared into the bathroom with a knife so she transfigured a bar of soap. She felt a sick satisfaction as she dragged the blade across her skin and felt the metallic pain on her arms, legs, stomach, and breasts. When she walked around the house she kept the cuts hidden under baggy clothes. Fortuantely it was December so they asked no questions. One day she would find the strength to press down hard enough to end her misery. The strength to set herself free.

"It's been two months, Padfoot," Remus said to his best friend.  
"I know Moony," Sirius said using the arm that wasn't holding his godson to summon a bottle from the stove.  
"She's doesn't eat, I know she's not sleeping. She won't even look at her son. I'm scared Padfoot"  
"Oh come on Moony. We're all hurting here. Who are we to tell her it's time to move on"  
"It's more than that," Remus said. "I'm worried that she might try to hurt herself"  
"Oh Moony, you really think Lils would do that"  
"I'm just saying," Remus said. "I don't think we should leave her alone. I think one of us needs to be with her at all times." Sirius paused in his tending to Harry.  
"You really think it's that serious"  
"Yes I do." Sirius looked down into Harry's face. The little face with Lily's eyes that was otherwise all James looked back at him. "All right Moony," Sirius said. "I'll take the first watch."

They were watching her. They never left her alone. They knew somehow what she was doing, and what she was planning. How the hell was she gonna do what she needed to do if they wouldn't leave her alone. They even took her wand away. They never let her have her wand if she wasn't with one of them. Without her wand she felt naked. She needed her wand, that magical connection to feel alive. She needed to get away from them, just for a few minutes. Just a few minutes and it would be done. She just had to wait until she was with Sirius, alone. With Remus there it would be impossible to get away. With his werewolf ultrasensitive senses she'd never be able to get past him. Sirius was so occupied with Harry it would be easy to slip away. Now was the time.  
"Where ya goin Lils?" Sirius called from the couch where he sat with Harry lying on his stomach. 'Damn,' she thought. 'He was more perceptive than I gave him credit for.' She turned and pasted on a phony smile.  
"Just going to the bathroom," she said. "Ya need your wand to go to the bathroom?" Dammit, she thought.  
"I guess not," she said. She set her wand on the table. Giving him a fake smile she turned and hurried to the bathroom. She closed the door behind her and sank to the floor. How could she do this? There had to be a way. She frantically searched through the drawers. There had to be something, a lethal potion, something. She thought about drowning herself in the bathtub when her fingers touched something sharp. A razor blade. Small but it would do just fine. She cradled it in her fingers like it was a precious jewel. She sat down on the floor and pushed up her sleeve. One deep slice and it would be over. She felt the cold steele cut into her skin and she savored the pleasure of pain. "I'm free," she thought.  
"Lily!" she jumped as she heard the pounding on the door and Sirius's voice yelling. "Lily what are you doing in there"  
"Nothing!" she screamed. "Just go away!" Do it, the voice in her head screamed at her. Do it now while you have the chance.  
"Lily open this door now!" Sirius yelled.  
"Go away!" Lily screamed. She couldn't do this with Sirius yelling at her. The door flew open and Sirius charged into the room. She quickly tried to hide the razor under a bath mat but Sirius had already seen.  
"Lily," he gasped kneeling beside her and taking the razor from her fingers. "What the hell are you doing?" Lily did not respond for she had seen what she craved. A wand. It was sticking out of Sirius's pocket. Lily shoved Sirius away from her and seized the wand from his pocket. "Stupefy!" she yelled. Sirius fell to the ground and she darted past him and ran down the stairs and out of the house.

Remus could sense trouble the second he stepped into the house. He rushed into the living room in time to see Lily rush out the door. "Sirius!" he yelled. Sirus stumbled down the stairs. Remus grabbed him.  
"What happened"  
"You were right Moony," Sirius moaned. "She's been hurting herself. She's was trying to slice her wrists. She got ahold of my wand and stunned me." Fear flooded through Remus. From upstairs they heard Harry crying.  
"Take care of Harry," Remus said. "I've got to get to Lily." Remus rushed out the door. It was getting dark and the rain was pouring down hard. With his heightened senses he was able to find her relatively quickly. When he saw he he thought his heart would stop. She had tranfigured a stick into a knife and was about to plunge it into her chest. Remus ran to her and grabbed the knife. "Lily stop!" he yelled. "Lily let it go!" Lily struggled against him trying to hold on the the knife. Finally Remus managed to wrench it from her hands. She lunged for it but he wrapped his arms around her and held on tight.  
"Let me go!" Lily screamed fighting against him. "I can't do this anymore"  
"Lily don't do this," Remus begged her holding on to her even as she beat at him with her fists. "Please Lily. Think of Harry. Your son needs you Lily"  
"I can't even look at my son! He reminds me of James. It hurts to look at him. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to talk, it hurts to wake up in the morning, it hurts to sleep, it hurts to cry. It just hurts"  
"Lily listen to me," Remus said holding her at arms length. "I know losing James was hard. It was hard on me and Sirius too. But you can't throw away your life. You have to go on. You have to fight. James wouldn't want this." Lily stared at him a moment and broke down in wrenching sobs. Remus held her as she allowed herself to release all the emotions she had held inside for so long. "Oh god I miss him so much"  
"I know Lils. I know. We all miss him. But god Lils, we can't lose you too. I love you Lily and I don't know what I would do if I lost you."

"I love you too Remus," Lily said. "I'm sorry." "Shh," Remus said. "There's nothing to be sorry for. Let's get you back to the house." He picked her up and carried her back to the house. Sirius stood up as they entered. "Everything okay?" he asked.  
"We're fine," Remus said. "Sorry about that," she said pointing to the bruise on Sirius's forehead.  
"Don't worry about it"  
"Is Harry alright?" Sirius smiled. It was the first time she'd asked about Harry in months.  
"He's asleep. You guys need anything"  
"I got this one Pads," Remus said. He carried Lily up to her bedroom and laid her down on the bed. "I need to get you out of these wet clothes," he said. Lily nodded not meeting his eyes. Remus carefully sat her up and slowly unbuttoned her sweater. As he peeled away the wet clothes several scars became visible on Lily's arms, stomach, and breasts. "So much pain," he said running his thumbs over her arms.  
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "Shh," Remus said kissing her on the top of her head. He carefully laid her on her back and peeled off her wet jeans revealing more scars on her legs. He found a pair of clean pajamas and helped her into them. He tucked her into bed and pulled the covers up to her chin.  
"Get some sleep," he said.  
"Stay with me," she asked. "Of course," he said. He sat on the bed holding her hand until she fell asleep. He gently stroked her face which was free of pain for once.  
"Good night Lily," he whispered kissing her forehead.

What do you think? Should I continue or keep this a one shot?


End file.
